Transitioning

Despite that I know not as many people are reading at this point, now that my adventures abroad are over, I figured I should post occasionally when stuff comes up—about adjusting to life at home and what not.

So here I am. The last time I wrote I had only been home for five days. And now I can say it’s been a few weeks. I feel pretty used to being home at this point. I’ve been keeping myself busy hanging out with friends and family. I probably think of study abroad every day. And it was very hard at first not to constantly be thinking about it and the fact that I wasn’t still in France or traveling somewhere. It was basically all I wanted to talk about. More than that, it’s really all I had to talk about. But after a few weeks and starting to get back into a routine (sort of at least) I can talk to people about work or plans or whatever and it’s not always about my trip.

I really just… don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling these days. It’s a bit all over the place. It’s exactly what I imagined in that it’s a bit confusing to try to fit this new girl I feel like back into old environments and habits and routines. It’s like taking a piece out of a puzzle, turning it sideways, and then trying to fit it back in or something. Things constantly remind me of stories or memories. But what makes me a bit sad sometimes is that those stories feel so distant. Literally I guess. But it just really doesn’t seem like it was real at times. Which is just… weird. There’s really no other way I can say it.

I’ve occasionally chatted with some of my AIFS friends. But not seeing them or really knowing much of what’s going on in their day to day lives makes them kind of fade away—these people that were a huge part of my daily life for what was a pretty solid amount of time.

It’s like I can so clearly picture some of the images of the people I was with and the places I went. But they just seem like images in my head. I rarely feel a strong sentimental attachment to them like I guess I thought I would. Which is what’s hard to process.

I’ve had my moments though. A friend, Jake, who I was pretty close to in Cannes but with whom I wasn’t sure how much I’d stay in contact, messaged me on Facebook just to chat and see how I was doing and ask how my last few weeks of traveling had been. It made my day. And then he was saying how much he just wished we were all back in Cannes that night—it was a weekend night so we would’ve all been borrowing each others’ clothes to walk into town for the night. It just feels sometimes like we should all be getting ready to head to Morrison’s and see Michel and who knows what other friends would be there. And those people are still there and we’re not. And it just made me sad. It was comforting to know I’m not the only one thinking things like that.

And then even just the other night I went to a friend’s house to Jacuzzi after work and we were talking and asking questions when she asked, “If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?” And that was a moment I felt my heart almost burst (in a happy and sad way) thinking, honestly, I’d be back in Cannes. Everyone would be there. My roommates, my friends. We’d all be getting ready to go out. We’d walk into town and dance our butts off at our favorite bar, which was nothing really like a club, but we’d dance anyways. And we’ll never get to do that again.

So there’s all that.

But on a better note. I am adjusting. I’ve started back at my old job—literally nothing has changed there besides two new drinks added onto the menu. Waitressing has come back really fast. I’ve volunteered at church the last few weeks; last week I worked the cameras and the tech team said I haven’t lost my touch at all. After a few weeks of zero structure in my schedule I was ready to start adding some back into my life. And I’ve realized just how much I need to surround myself with stuff that’s just… new. That’s what I need. It’s little things like new music for when I’m driving in my same old car, or a new background from my Barcelona trip as my screensaver on my phone that make me feel good. Make me feel like I am at least a slightly different person these days. And also make me feel like I’m given the opportunity to get a bit of a fresh start here at home but with a support system that’s been in place much longer.

So life is moving on. And I’m in a place now, and having spurts of these moments where I do realize and get excited for the future. For new things that are going to be taking place in my life in the next few months, years, etc. (well hopefully at least).

For now I’ve got a few more things to try to incorporate into my schedule like starting to work out and attempting to eat healthier though it’s much harder at home. That’s one thing—on a bit of a side note—I just feel kind of lazy. I had a busy day at work today where I felt the gears turning in my brain for what feels like the first time in a long time. And I think it’s simply from being really stimulated by something; whereas waking up these days in my old bed and going through old motions after 5 months of life on hyper speed tends to be kind of the opposite. And I have realized that already so I know that continuing to do new things and surround myself with new activities will get me to where I want to be.

And I’ve also had some nice opportunities already to bring some of the French activities I learned to love here! Like an almost 2 hour dinner with fresh bread and cheese I had with my family which has been one of the highlights of my few weeks home!

I know I’m just rambling at this point. But another thing that’s different is it was so easy while I was abroad to wake up and just feel so grateful all the time. So that’s another struggle is that I know there’s a ton of beauty all around me and I shouldn’t be complaining. But it’s just so much easier to see it when it’s new and foreign. So in that sense I just feel kind of… stuck. But I also fully trust in God to guide me to use my experience while I’m home somehow. And at the very least, as a really cool guy from my church recently told me, even if I can’t share the experiences I had with other people, I’ll always have them for myself. So that’s comforting.

Apologies for the scattered-ness of this post. But that’s pretty much exactly where I’m at! Transitioning. Finally coming to terms with the end. Starting to try to get excited for what is in front of me: a new beginning.

My current cover photo on Facebook--a photo I took in Ireland with some lyrics to a song I listened to
pretty frequently while traveling. "Reminder" by Mumford and Sons.
A song that brings me back when I listen to it.